Insanity made me a better Mom

I have been a Mom for 14 months, and 12 days. I have been without my Mom for 12 years, 1 month and 20 days. It seems like yesterday, however, that we argued over clothes, music, my hair, my friends, my boyfriend. Now that I have a little girl to care for, suddenly so many of the things my own Mom said and did make a lot more sense, and I don’t even have a teenager yet. There are days when I am not sure what I am going to do when I get to the point of raising teens. Who am I going to talk to, more like CRY to, and BEG for advice from? As an adult, I understand the woman who was my Mom in a whole new way. To me as a teen, she seemed strong willed, confident, with an ever flowing abundance of energy (specifically when it came to chores and making us get involved). Now as an adult, I know that she may not have been as focused and powerful as I thought. I am the age now that she was when I was almost 4, my sister was 2, and I get the struggles and exhaustion that comes with children. There is no way that after 15 years of raising children, working, and keeping up with our hobby farm (was she insane?!), that she was as put together as I thought she was. Don’t get me wrong, my Mom was incredible. She was the typical wife and mother, took care of the house, the bills, the plans, the family, the animals on the farm, the full time job she held, and every now and again she did something nice for herself (...rarely, but she did). These things she did so well that it made me think she was Super Woman. Now I can see that instead, she was insane (like so many women are). Thankfully, though, because if there is one life lesson I have learned from her (there are plenty more than one), it has been that as much as a woman needs to be self sufficient, organized, and focused, she also needs to be willing to put her foot down and stomp out the madness.

My Mom took way too much on. I'm not sure if she would agree if she was here, but looking back, I don’t know how the hell she kept it up year after year, without so much as weekend to herself. I am proud to say that I did inherit a lot of her work ethic, but along with that I inherited stubbornness. I've been told that when you need something done, pass it to the busiest person you know. Well, that’s me. I am getting better however, at saying NO. At first it felt selfish to say that word, and I guess it still does sometimes. But now that I have a busy toddler, a successful business, a dog who is not exercised enough, an occasionally frustrated husband, and a cluttered, dusty house, I am beginning to realize that no is not at all selfish! Taking more on would mean even less time for the things I love the most, and that would not be fair to me, to my family, or to my business. This recent realization has empowered me! Suddenly I am lining up a housekeeper (only one 3 hour day a month and only after I have done the quick go over...), I am refusing to go into work Sundays to catch up, (Sunday is officially family day in our house), and I am putting a lot more time into sitting on the floor, playing with my beautiful girl. I think Mom would be proud.

I could go on and on about the things my Mom's life, and more importantly her death, has taught me. I am proud of the way she lived her life, the experiences she made sure her kids had, and the legacy she left to her friends and family. I am proud to be a lot like her. But most importantly, I am proud to know that her struggles and perseverance have made me a better mother, wife, business partner, and woman.

Mom’s insanity made me a better person. So thanks for being crazy, Mama.

And I will miss you forever.