The Journey...

I did a presentation today for a Compassionate Sociology class at RDC. I was invited after a student googled "social entreprenuer" and eventually came across lil' ol me. I agreed to speak without a second thought, because you know what second thoughts do: they allow your inner terrorist (LOVE that term - thanks Kim B...) to invade and take over your self confidence. I didnt let her get in the way this time, and DAMN am I glad!!

I took a few days to write out my story, and then added and deleted what was necessary. Its tough letting people in to hear my story, I guess because I dont feel like its just MY story. Its Cortney and Codys, its Dads, and its Mikes story too. But on behalf of them... (and I havent actually cleared it but they know where I live if they have a problem) I am learning that its important to reveal your story if there is a way to benefit others with it. Its important to be relateable, and real. And our story is very real. Its not unlike thousands of other stories across Canada. The difference would be that I have decided to take action and share with others to help them find their own peace, the way I'm finding mine.

Soooo, I'm posting our story, straight from the presentation itself, for others to read. Our struggles, my depression, and what our 10th Anniversary without Mom meant to me. Included is also how the store and Motherless Daughters of Central Alberta came to be.

I hope you enjoy. And I hope you share this story with anyone who might need encouragement to keep trudging through the exhausting process of learning to cope with the loss of Mom.


I’ll start at the start: I had a normal childhood, first born in a family of average income, to young, ambitious parents. I now understand how lucky we were to have a Mom and Dad equally involved in our upbringing. It’s funny the things you start to understand as you get older, and have more experiences.

We had a hobby farm where we raised many different kinds of animals, horses, goats, chickens, cows, peacocks, and rabbits. Both my parents worked, so I had to participate on the farm. I learned a lot about responsibility and perseverance.
I was a typical firstborn; overbearing, vocal, and fighting for my independence.
Although I didn’t think so at the time, I realize now I thrived on hard work and responsibility. And looking back, I’m very grateful to have had those experiences.

Things started getting interesting when I learned in the middle of grade 8 that our family would be moving from our hometown 8 hours north, for Dads work. It was heartbreaking. I was just feeling comfortable at school with a great group of friends, and I had weekend jobs babysitting for many families in our area. I was devastated.

The move itself turned into a huge learning experience for me. Adjusting to a new school and new surroundings was really hard. I hated every second of it, but I made some friends and started dating my future husband. I got through my first year in our new town when the pivotal point in my life occurred.

My Mom was killed in a car accident one Monday afternoon in December 1997, while she was on her way into town to meet us after school. This was a truly life changing event. I was 15, my sister was 13, and our brother was 9. Everything we’d ever known changed, from our everyday routine, to the people in our lives.

Our Dad changed.
Our friends changed.
Our family changed.

The next few years were a terrible struggle. We had no one from our old life close to us, no family, and no one to call on for help. My brother and sister and I had to learn how to keep up with a home and animals, groceries and laundry, as well as keep up in school. A lot of that time was just a fog, we were just getting through each day. There were a lot of sad, lonely, dark nights.

I remember thinking to myself that people were going through worse, all over the world.I trivialized our situation, and that what gave me the strength to keep getting up each morning. This was going to catch up with me.

We moved yet again 2 years later so our Dad could take a new job where he could be home every night with us. By this time I was 17 and entering a new school to complete grade 12. My mindset at this point was just to survive each week until grad. I was still with my boyfriend Mike, who I’d relied on to help with my brother and sister while Dad was away. He helped me get through that final school year with visits almost every weekend.

Grad was not the experience for me that so many others have. I had no one to dress shop with, no one to help me pick out shoes. I just went through the motions and got it over with.

After grad, the first years out in the real world were a struggle, and I was horribly lonely. I had friends, but only a couple were close. I still had Mike, but the links to my old life before Mom died were far away. I still had my old friends, but the 5 years since moving made those relationships fade. I felt lost, especially when I listened to friends talk about having their Moms around to help set up first apartments.

My sister and brother seemed stronger, it was me who had carried the weight of the load in the first few years and now it was catching up with me. All the responsibility I’d held both before and after Mom died was hard to shake, and Dad was in a new relationship so it was hard to move out & leave my brother and sister behind. I felt a lot of guilt, and it was difficult to move ahead with my own life.

I worked a few different jobs, attended a small college, and couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t find contentment. My boyfriend worked away a lot so I was living alone a lot of the time. I didn’t go out much, and was always out of money. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.

All I knew was that I was not happy.

When I was 23, and had been on antidepressants for a full year, something clicked.
I needed to make a change in the hopes of things getting easier. It was my goal to get off my medications, because the side effects were brutal. I always had the shakes, was always on the brink of an emotional breakdown. Finally, I’d had enough, and quit my office job to start waitressing. It was my first empowering experience.
I started making good money, and liked the night life. I started realizing my happiness was in my hands, and if things weren’t good enough, then I had to make a change. I started going to the gym and bought some new clothes. I was on the path to figuring out who I was, and what was going to fill my cup.

That fall I was given the opportunity to take a new accounting job in Cochrane, which lead me to settling down in Red Deer a few months later when Cochrane didn’t work out. I was in a totally new space! I was finally taking control of life and honouring my intuition. My boyfriend and I bought a home and got a dog, and I started settling into a new routine.

It was the fall of 2006 my younger sister pitched to me the idea of opening a store.
She’d had the opportunity to work in a boutique where she got experience fitting fine lingerie, and she saw huge potential in the business. She’d been asked to purchase that store, but she decided she would rather move to Red Deer, where there was an opportunity to open her own specialty boutique. After some serious persuasion (because I was still the much too grounded, cautious one), I agreed I would help and do the bookkeeping. By fall she had done well enough in sales that I suggested she take the next step, and we decided to partner. We incorporated our business in November 2007, almost exactly 10 years after our Moms death.

Another monumental occasion in 2007 was the startup of Motherless Daughters of Central Alberta. Our first year in business was full of experiences that proved to us that something bigger was around the corner. We started making decisions which had positive effects on our business, and this helped us gain confidence and trust in ourselves and our abilities. For the first time ever, we embraced the anniversary of our Moms death, and felt a powerful calm. It was less emotional then previous anniversaries, which seemed to always come crashing down on us. Earlier anniversaries had me watching the hours tick down to the exact time my Mom passed, making me grieve all over again, every year. But year 10 was different.
We felt so much less stress, so much more relief!

It was the first time I realized that maybe, just maybe, new possibilities lay ahead BECAUSE of our loss. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and decided the best way to really heal would be to meet other young women struggling with the same loss, and just be a listening ear for them. I understood that both good and bad things happen in life, and if I had had someone I trusted to talk to and ask advice of, I might have been able to handle to tough times more positively. It made me sad that I’d wasted 10 years struggling to cope. It saddened me even more to know there were hundreds, possibly thousands of daughters dealing with the same struggle across Alberta. Girls who are so easily influenced as teens, vulnerable to the negative media and pressures of society.

Looking back on the cloudy years I’d spent in high school, I thought about all the times I could have made a wrong choice. I could have gotten pregnant, I could have started drinking and doing drugs. I probably should have flunked out, because I do not remember my studies being at the top of my list of things to do.

I suddenly related to the Fathers, left devastated, lost, and with no idea how to help their kids. I related to the sons, who often have a special bond with their Mothers.

Suddenly I was thinking of ALL the people impacted by the loss of a Mother. Here I was, 25, hoping to someday have kids of my own. How could anyone be a positive role model to children when they could hardly get out of bed in the morning? How could you teach anyone about being happy if you cry all the time? It dawned on me that losing a Mom, especially as a young girl or teen, could have life altering consequences. Girls who, like me came from a positive upbringing, with potential and promise, could take one serious wrong turn in the blink of an eye in the overwhelming and shattering experience of losing someone you love.

Now here I was with a dream job, as far as I am concerned! How did I get here?
All I knew was now that I was here, I was going to capitalize on it. The Bra Lounge could support my attempt at organizing a support group for girls! I knew nothing about putting a support group together, but I was going to make a go by taking the first step. I registered the group on meetup.com and waited to see what would happen.

From the meetup.com group, ladies started hearing about me and my efforts. I was featured in the local magazine Real Women on the Run, where I got even more exposure.
In the fall of 2008, I was invited to present my group to staff of Chinooks Edge School Division, where I met a student counsellor from Olds. She talked to me about 2 teenagers in her school who she knew would be great candidates for the group. Both had lost their Moms before age 10, neither had sisters.

A few months later I was meeting the girls for the first time. We had planned a bowling get together, and had 5 ladies and the 2 teens attend. After a few games, we sat down and talked as a group about our experiences as Motherless Daughters. When asked if there was anything they wanted to question us about, the 2 very quiet girls both agreed that all they wanted to know was if it would ever get easier. Us 5 adults got very emotional. We all said yes, that someday it would be easier to deal with. We all knew, unfortunately, that easier came only after years sadness.

Anyone who’s experienced the distressing feelings of losing a loved one knows the years of heartbreak that follow. There is no getting away from it, but there are ways to help you get through it. I believe that one hugely beneficial way is to have compassionate, positive people in your life to be a sympathetic shoulder to cry on, and an understanding ear. Women are emotional creatures, and we crave fulfilling relationships. What relationship could be more important than that of a mother and daughter? We will NEVER take the place of Mom, obviously, but building a relationship with positive role models these teens can relate to could change everything for them. It could mean the difference between becoming a teenage Mom with very few opportunities, or a potentially successful entrepreneur.

I realized as the haze of grief lifted after 10 years that losing my Mom had not been the end, but in fact the very beginning. I want young girls coping with their loss to know the same. Life is full of wonderful, positive, beautiful experiences, and a loss, even at this magnitude, should not be the end of the good things. Loss is a overwhelming mountain of rock that can take years to climb, but on the other side, when careful steps are taken, open, lush green fields await. Loss can give insight, perspective, and can build character.

These are the hidden gifts that can come from my loss.

I regularly meet with my 2 Olds girls, in fact, we took in the movie Beastly last weekend and had a blast! Not all of our get togethers are emotional, sometimes the girls just want to get away from Dads and brothers and do something girly for a change. Last summer for their birthdays I took them for pedicures, a first time for them. The looks on their faces at the end when they left with their sparkling toes made it so obvious that Motherless Daughters has huge potential. Now, if only I can get more girls involved…

Getting back to The Bra Lounge, this empathy for women is the passion behind our business as well. We have learned the importance of investing in women, and of encouraging them to invest in themselves! Something as seemingly trivial as undergarments can actually make a huge impact on a woman’s everyday life. Instead of focusing on selling the items we carry, we spend most of our time actually fitting them. Clients leave our store educated, empowered and 100% satisfied with their experience and purchase. We have had ladies break down in the fitting rooms, having contemplated augmentation surgery, or even made arrangements for it, shocked at the difference a new bra can make! Most women have no idea the actual size range fine lingerie boutiques offer, from A to L cups, and the broader selection of band sizes.
When the right combination of band and cup sizes come together, women are thrilled at their newfound comfort! From everyday bras, to items for sports, nursing and special requirements such as non underwire or post surgery items, we have undergarments for every woman, any shape, and any age. We help make women’s lives better every day, and it feels incredible!

Being a business owner for going on 5 years, I have had the honour of meeting and befriending inspirational, powerful women from all over North America. I have taken the love and support these women have shown us and let it fuel me and carry me forward to doing things I otherwise might never had attempted. Such as THIS presentation, for example!! I would have never considered this to be my future, but the events came together in a very powerful way for me. I have found what makes me tick, thank goodness. I’m filling that empty space my Moms death left, and I truly feel blessed to have had the experience I did, which is a bittersweet feeling.
I’ve met phenomenal people in the past 5 years, and I can’t imagine what this will lead to in the years to come.

Some people go their whole lives never really dealing with adversity, or worse, never really facing it. You can’t run away and hide! You must confront the pain and take it in, and let it make you a better person. If you can, take it one step further and actually benefit others with your experience! You can’t imagine the rewards.

All I want for Central Alberta Motherless Daughters is the opportunity for young women and girls to meet others who have been through the same loss. I want them to know that their life is in their hands, and with support, they will find the confidence and self worth they need to make their dreams come true. I believe anyone can live out their dream, ANYONE!
Whether they have survived abuse, loss, trauma, or any other difficulty.
I also think that when individuals band together, positive change happens. We’ve all heard the quote by Ghandi “Be the change you want to see in the world”
Another one I love is by Henry David Thoreau “All misfortune is but a stepping stone to fortune.”

Thank you again so much for hearing my story. I hope it can impact you in a way that lets you make a difference to someone else. We ALL have a story, unfortunately most people don't realize theirs is worth telling. I’m learning that mine is.

It can be hard to let people in, but I know that getting it out might reach someone who desperately needs help. I’ve been that person. I’m just lucky to have made it.
I don't want anyone else to struggle with depression like I did, alone and with no idea of how to pull yourself out of that black hole. My mom is not here in physical form, but I know that it is she who keeps opening doors for us and, she’s probably the one shoving us through them!

I’m the woman I am today because of my loss. I am a thoughtful wife, devoted Mother, loving sister, and compassionate friend, because I lost my Mom. I still have bad days, and I welcome them! They help me to remember that my loss was real, and those feelings of hopelessness were real. But because of the steps I’ve taken in the past 5 years, I will never feel those feelings as strongly again. Regardless of the adversity that lays ahead.

The first 15 months

There are days I catch myself staring at this little 15 month old beauty who tears around the house shrieking at the top of her lungs. She is bouncing from the loveseat arm rest to the cushy dog bed laying on the floor, to the kitchen to see what Mom is doing, and back to the living room to see if she can get her hands on the remote control or cordless phone. She has invaded this house, my bathroom, my heart. I dont really know where she came from; it seems the feeling of going to bed a teenager and waking up to find yourself smack dab in the middle of a strange adults life has come to be for me. I remember life before her. We spent 8 years as just the two of us, skiing and snowboarding, splurging on hotels and beer and dinner out. We complained a lot. We slept in a lot. We called in sick when we just didnt feel like getting out of bed. Then that morning came, and I was talked into taking "THE test", and our world changed forever. We were thrilled, and hell, we had PLENTY OF TIME before "it" arrived! (Where did we get all that time?)

The months dragged by and then it was September, and we had to start reminding ourselves we had only weeks left to finish preparing. The Dr said "it" might come early, and "it" was kicking my butt (and bladder) on a daily basis. I started really trying to imagine the life we would soon be living. I couldn't. Suddenly the date loomed just ahead. I had never so anxiously anticipated Halloween. But this year it was not Halloween; it was the day that stood between life as it had always been, and a gray cloudy bubble of a life we could not envision. "Its" room was painted and full of soft luxurious teddies, blankies and onesies. Then of course Halloween came and went without changing much, besides the size of my stomach, and the next few days overdue we were just passing the time. Finally, the 8th arrived with a swab and stop of the countdown. We had no time left, the Dr said, it had to come out.

She was unresponsive, a code blue. She was not given to us for 8 long minutes, but finally her pink little body, wrapped up tight, was in my arms. I saw how perfect she was. Chubby cheeks, dark hair, beautiful skin. It all made sense now! I was the Mommy of a baby GIRL! Of course I was!

The last year has been the most exhausting, overwhelming, beautiful one of our lives. Being a Mom is the most amazing gift a woman could receive, as far as I'm concerned. As she screams through the kitchen in a flury, I cant help but wonder where my tiny little innocent baby went. And at the same time, I realize how precious every moment with her is, because I know even as I write this she is growing and changing. She looks just like her Daddy, yet somehow just like her Mommy. And sometimes - when she's climbed up and balanced on the arm of the couch pushing the buttons on the sterio - she's like her Auntie. I know she belongs, but somedays I wonder how she got here! She is bright, healthy, loving, sweet, mischievous, funny, curious. And she has so much potential! I cant beleive that this little blonde creature is the same one that was once curled up in my tummy. Or the same little beauty who looked like an angel as a sleeping newborn.

Its so hard to believe that I am to this little girl the woman my Mother was to me. I have to remind myself how important my roll is as her Mother. Its not a terrible responsibilty to have! But its a big one. From the words coming out of my mouth, to the way I keep our home, to the way I do business, suddenly my attitude is a lot different. But I feel great about the way things are going, and I am good with the job I'm doing. I totally slack off occationally, and thats ok with me too. She needs to know I'm human. I'm not sure I will keep this up as life changes even more in the coming years, but I'll worry about that later.

I feel like a kid still, but with a little more experience. Like someone who's been 22 for 6 years. Now I see why people of all ages say they dont feel grown up. Its kind of a neat way to perceive life, keeps us energetic! And hopefully allows me to relate to my kids... if I'm lucky.

The roll my Mom played in my life for the 15 years I was blessed to have her keeps the bar set high for me. And I hope I have the courage and ability to meet the challenge. AND I hope and pray I will be given decades and decades to watch my kids grow up live their lives. I am so in awe of the gift Motherhood is. So far in this first year its taught me so much about life, love, and responsibility. I love the person I am raising, and I rather like the woman I am growing into. I really love the Daddy my husband has become. Parenthood has made us better people. And we have a lot of time left, so I cant imagine the possibilities! The first 15 months have been a blast, and we have nothing but more life ahead! I am so blessed, and I thank Heaven :)

Success without my biggest supporter

As independant and strong as I may feel somedays, its not easy making my way without my Mom. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated many times a day, wishing I could ask her advice and get a little push from. She should be here everyday, or at least a phone call away, but she is not. Hearing her tell me I'm on the right track, or that she loves me, or that I'm completely off my rocker, is a dream that will never come true.

Over the weekend I took part in a conference for women in business, surrounded by successful, inspirational, wonderful women. These ladies wrap you in kindness, love, and support. These women, as far as I am concerned, are in my life because my Mom is not. They are gifts from heaven above, and if I have to make a go at life without my Mom, I know I can do it with these women behind me. I have so many things to be grateful for, and my Angel Mother is behind all of them. I miss her everyday, but am lucky enough to be aware of the blessings in my life that fill up the empty space her presence would otherwise be. When one door closes another opens, and for that I am so grateful. It is the reason we have the ability to thrive dispite adversity.

xoxo

Insanity made me a better Mom

I have been a Mom for 14 months, and 12 days. I have been without my Mom for 12 years, 1 month and 20 days. It seems like yesterday, however, that we argued over clothes, music, my hair, my friends, my boyfriend. Now that I have a little girl to care for, suddenly so many of the things my own Mom said and did make a lot more sense, and I don’t even have a teenager yet. There are days when I am not sure what I am going to do when I get to the point of raising teens. Who am I going to talk to, more like CRY to, and BEG for advice from? As an adult, I understand the woman who was my Mom in a whole new way. To me as a teen, she seemed strong willed, confident, with an ever flowing abundance of energy (specifically when it came to chores and making us get involved). Now as an adult, I know that she may not have been as focused and powerful as I thought. I am the age now that she was when I was almost 4, my sister was 2, and I get the struggles and exhaustion that comes with children. There is no way that after 15 years of raising children, working, and keeping up with our hobby farm (was she insane?!), that she was as put together as I thought she was. Don’t get me wrong, my Mom was incredible. She was the typical wife and mother, took care of the house, the bills, the plans, the family, the animals on the farm, the full time job she held, and every now and again she did something nice for herself (...rarely, but she did). These things she did so well that it made me think she was Super Woman. Now I can see that instead, she was insane (like so many women are). Thankfully, though, because if there is one life lesson I have learned from her (there are plenty more than one), it has been that as much as a woman needs to be self sufficient, organized, and focused, she also needs to be willing to put her foot down and stomp out the madness.

My Mom took way too much on. I'm not sure if she would agree if she was here, but looking back, I don’t know how the hell she kept it up year after year, without so much as weekend to herself. I am proud to say that I did inherit a lot of her work ethic, but along with that I inherited stubbornness. I've been told that when you need something done, pass it to the busiest person you know. Well, that’s me. I am getting better however, at saying NO. At first it felt selfish to say that word, and I guess it still does sometimes. But now that I have a busy toddler, a successful business, a dog who is not exercised enough, an occasionally frustrated husband, and a cluttered, dusty house, I am beginning to realize that no is not at all selfish! Taking more on would mean even less time for the things I love the most, and that would not be fair to me, to my family, or to my business. This recent realization has empowered me! Suddenly I am lining up a housekeeper (only one 3 hour day a month and only after I have done the quick go over...), I am refusing to go into work Sundays to catch up, (Sunday is officially family day in our house), and I am putting a lot more time into sitting on the floor, playing with my beautiful girl. I think Mom would be proud.

I could go on and on about the things my Mom's life, and more importantly her death, has taught me. I am proud of the way she lived her life, the experiences she made sure her kids had, and the legacy she left to her friends and family. I am proud to be a lot like her. But most importantly, I am proud to know that her struggles and perseverance have made me a better mother, wife, business partner, and woman.

Mom’s insanity made me a better person. So thanks for being crazy, Mama.

And I will miss you forever.