The first 15 months

There are days I catch myself staring at this little 15 month old beauty who tears around the house shrieking at the top of her lungs. She is bouncing from the loveseat arm rest to the cushy dog bed laying on the floor, to the kitchen to see what Mom is doing, and back to the living room to see if she can get her hands on the remote control or cordless phone. She has invaded this house, my bathroom, my heart. I dont really know where she came from; it seems the feeling of going to bed a teenager and waking up to find yourself smack dab in the middle of a strange adults life has come to be for me. I remember life before her. We spent 8 years as just the two of us, skiing and snowboarding, splurging on hotels and beer and dinner out. We complained a lot. We slept in a lot. We called in sick when we just didnt feel like getting out of bed. Then that morning came, and I was talked into taking "THE test", and our world changed forever. We were thrilled, and hell, we had PLENTY OF TIME before "it" arrived! (Where did we get all that time?)

The months dragged by and then it was September, and we had to start reminding ourselves we had only weeks left to finish preparing. The Dr said "it" might come early, and "it" was kicking my butt (and bladder) on a daily basis. I started really trying to imagine the life we would soon be living. I couldn't. Suddenly the date loomed just ahead. I had never so anxiously anticipated Halloween. But this year it was not Halloween; it was the day that stood between life as it had always been, and a gray cloudy bubble of a life we could not envision. "Its" room was painted and full of soft luxurious teddies, blankies and onesies. Then of course Halloween came and went without changing much, besides the size of my stomach, and the next few days overdue we were just passing the time. Finally, the 8th arrived with a swab and stop of the countdown. We had no time left, the Dr said, it had to come out.

She was unresponsive, a code blue. She was not given to us for 8 long minutes, but finally her pink little body, wrapped up tight, was in my arms. I saw how perfect she was. Chubby cheeks, dark hair, beautiful skin. It all made sense now! I was the Mommy of a baby GIRL! Of course I was!

The last year has been the most exhausting, overwhelming, beautiful one of our lives. Being a Mom is the most amazing gift a woman could receive, as far as I'm concerned. As she screams through the kitchen in a flury, I cant help but wonder where my tiny little innocent baby went. And at the same time, I realize how precious every moment with her is, because I know even as I write this she is growing and changing. She looks just like her Daddy, yet somehow just like her Mommy. And sometimes - when she's climbed up and balanced on the arm of the couch pushing the buttons on the sterio - she's like her Auntie. I know she belongs, but somedays I wonder how she got here! She is bright, healthy, loving, sweet, mischievous, funny, curious. And she has so much potential! I cant beleive that this little blonde creature is the same one that was once curled up in my tummy. Or the same little beauty who looked like an angel as a sleeping newborn.

Its so hard to believe that I am to this little girl the woman my Mother was to me. I have to remind myself how important my roll is as her Mother. Its not a terrible responsibilty to have! But its a big one. From the words coming out of my mouth, to the way I keep our home, to the way I do business, suddenly my attitude is a lot different. But I feel great about the way things are going, and I am good with the job I'm doing. I totally slack off occationally, and thats ok with me too. She needs to know I'm human. I'm not sure I will keep this up as life changes even more in the coming years, but I'll worry about that later.

I feel like a kid still, but with a little more experience. Like someone who's been 22 for 6 years. Now I see why people of all ages say they dont feel grown up. Its kind of a neat way to perceive life, keeps us energetic! And hopefully allows me to relate to my kids... if I'm lucky.

The roll my Mom played in my life for the 15 years I was blessed to have her keeps the bar set high for me. And I hope I have the courage and ability to meet the challenge. AND I hope and pray I will be given decades and decades to watch my kids grow up live their lives. I am so in awe of the gift Motherhood is. So far in this first year its taught me so much about life, love, and responsibility. I love the person I am raising, and I rather like the woman I am growing into. I really love the Daddy my husband has become. Parenthood has made us better people. And we have a lot of time left, so I cant imagine the possibilities! The first 15 months have been a blast, and we have nothing but more life ahead! I am so blessed, and I thank Heaven :)

Success without my biggest supporter

As independant and strong as I may feel somedays, its not easy making my way without my Mom. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated many times a day, wishing I could ask her advice and get a little push from. She should be here everyday, or at least a phone call away, but she is not. Hearing her tell me I'm on the right track, or that she loves me, or that I'm completely off my rocker, is a dream that will never come true.

Over the weekend I took part in a conference for women in business, surrounded by successful, inspirational, wonderful women. These ladies wrap you in kindness, love, and support. These women, as far as I am concerned, are in my life because my Mom is not. They are gifts from heaven above, and if I have to make a go at life without my Mom, I know I can do it with these women behind me. I have so many things to be grateful for, and my Angel Mother is behind all of them. I miss her everyday, but am lucky enough to be aware of the blessings in my life that fill up the empty space her presence would otherwise be. When one door closes another opens, and for that I am so grateful. It is the reason we have the ability to thrive dispite adversity.

xoxo

Insanity made me a better Mom

I have been a Mom for 14 months, and 12 days. I have been without my Mom for 12 years, 1 month and 20 days. It seems like yesterday, however, that we argued over clothes, music, my hair, my friends, my boyfriend. Now that I have a little girl to care for, suddenly so many of the things my own Mom said and did make a lot more sense, and I don’t even have a teenager yet. There are days when I am not sure what I am going to do when I get to the point of raising teens. Who am I going to talk to, more like CRY to, and BEG for advice from? As an adult, I understand the woman who was my Mom in a whole new way. To me as a teen, she seemed strong willed, confident, with an ever flowing abundance of energy (specifically when it came to chores and making us get involved). Now as an adult, I know that she may not have been as focused and powerful as I thought. I am the age now that she was when I was almost 4, my sister was 2, and I get the struggles and exhaustion that comes with children. There is no way that after 15 years of raising children, working, and keeping up with our hobby farm (was she insane?!), that she was as put together as I thought she was. Don’t get me wrong, my Mom was incredible. She was the typical wife and mother, took care of the house, the bills, the plans, the family, the animals on the farm, the full time job she held, and every now and again she did something nice for herself (...rarely, but she did). These things she did so well that it made me think she was Super Woman. Now I can see that instead, she was insane (like so many women are). Thankfully, though, because if there is one life lesson I have learned from her (there are plenty more than one), it has been that as much as a woman needs to be self sufficient, organized, and focused, she also needs to be willing to put her foot down and stomp out the madness.

My Mom took way too much on. I'm not sure if she would agree if she was here, but looking back, I don’t know how the hell she kept it up year after year, without so much as weekend to herself. I am proud to say that I did inherit a lot of her work ethic, but along with that I inherited stubbornness. I've been told that when you need something done, pass it to the busiest person you know. Well, that’s me. I am getting better however, at saying NO. At first it felt selfish to say that word, and I guess it still does sometimes. But now that I have a busy toddler, a successful business, a dog who is not exercised enough, an occasionally frustrated husband, and a cluttered, dusty house, I am beginning to realize that no is not at all selfish! Taking more on would mean even less time for the things I love the most, and that would not be fair to me, to my family, or to my business. This recent realization has empowered me! Suddenly I am lining up a housekeeper (only one 3 hour day a month and only after I have done the quick go over...), I am refusing to go into work Sundays to catch up, (Sunday is officially family day in our house), and I am putting a lot more time into sitting on the floor, playing with my beautiful girl. I think Mom would be proud.

I could go on and on about the things my Mom's life, and more importantly her death, has taught me. I am proud of the way she lived her life, the experiences she made sure her kids had, and the legacy she left to her friends and family. I am proud to be a lot like her. But most importantly, I am proud to know that her struggles and perseverance have made me a better mother, wife, business partner, and woman.

Mom’s insanity made me a better person. So thanks for being crazy, Mama.

And I will miss you forever.